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You, the average wine drinker, may not be aware of the linguistic pitfalls that lurk out there in the minefield that is winetasting land. Obviously, I have been out of the verbal group-grope that develops in a roomful of wine tasters, hard at it, too long. True, I do prefer the loneliness of the long-distance taster, alone in my tasting cubicle with just a little piano jazz for company.

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Or a friendly session, preceded by dinner and followed by a wallop of whisky, with my long-constituted panel of palates. And yes, we do have our own language—an obscure offshoot of Gheg.

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All this came about some months ago when I was asked by a glossy local publication to take part in its annual blind tasting of many, many wines. Consequently, there were many, many tasters seated at a half-dozen big, big tables in a venerable atavism—a downtown private club.

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Two-and-a-half days we were at it, hammer and tongs. And corkscrews and spit buckets.

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The first day was a pass-fail round, i. That cut the playing field in half. Nobody said this would be easy.

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The following day, it was time for more intensive ruminating. The idea was to end up with 10 top picks that we would all append our atures to as being the best of the bunch.

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After a little warm-up in which we found our linguistic legs—to masticate a metaphor—the standard terminology began to flow: focused, lifted flavours, opening aroma notes, up, down, charmed, and strange. Then the arsenal of comparative oddities began to whistle past the ears, all those nifty terms we wine writers like to employ to cover our butts. Celery salt, cocoa butter, sandpaper, mica flakes, citrus edges, fruit bombs, cedar shakes or is it shingles? The latter is much loved by analysts of Burgundies, particularly Pinot Noir.

There was a plethora of blather going down, spearheaded by a famous critic who frequently finds all of the above—and more besides—in a simple little Pinot Gris, working on the principle of giving us the most descriptors for our buck.


There is precedent, of course. Merlot evokes plums; Chardonnay is occasionally redolent of vanilla, sometimes citrus; and Sauvignon Blanc gives us grassy notes.


I wondered at the depth of reference—like, how many wine sluts have you spent a naughty weekend with? But someone else agreed, so I filed the term away.

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This is the first and only time I intend to employ it. And it opened the floodgates. I fairly flew to my note pad. But pooey had some stick-to-itivness.

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Slutty and Pooey. It is Salinger! It begs the question: who among us goes around ingesting poo, in order to have a reference point?

The first wave of terminology was cozy and simple: nice, innit? Good and sweet.

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Got any ice? I also think, rather than excretal and blowsy, we might consider a return to cozier terms: gingham, maybe, or Melmac.

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Nothing from the scatological arsenal of rodents, okay? Could it be that the Latin for the genus, mus, is also the origin of the initial crushed-grape expression, must?

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Have I inadvertently stumbled across the solution to a puzzle? So here it is, that nice new Riesling I just opened: fruit-forward, leg-lifted mangosteen and dragon fruit, with a hint of achiote dulse. The season is upon us, there is more bah humbug in the air than usual. Food Topics. Facebook comments not loading?


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